I began my formal training in Zen in 1980 in upstate New York at Zen Mountain Monastery. It had just opened and although there were only a very small number of participants, a regular schedule had been initiated that consisted of daily sitting (zazen) practice, Buddhist services, work practice and talks.
I began to attend on Sunday mornings. The program was open to and intended for the general public and it too consisted of sitting, Buddhist services, work practice and a talk. Variety wasn’t held in high regard: there wasn’t any. There was a schedule and it was to be adhered to … religiously.
And so I did or at least I began. I didn’t go on Sundays, I went every Sunday – as in no matter what. The monastery was about five miles away from where I lived, in the mountains of upstate New York, so I drove. That winter it was savagely cold and the snow, which never had a chance to melt, bred large impassable walls of white and gray around my house. I had of necessity dug out the front door and walkway but on one Sunday with all the good intention in the world it seemed I couldn’t go. My car wouldn’t start and as I tried to start it, my hair turned to ice. I didn’t even have the warm clothes on I needed but I wanted to go. I had to go. I refused all obstacles and would not allow the idea of limitation or for that matter any thought that would stop me from attending that Sunday.
I believed that kind of one pointed determination was what I needed. I knew that because I had read some very romantic books about Zen practice and like the fool I was and still am, I believed it. So I made it there that Sunday and for good measure I continued for another twenty-five years at which time I was rewarded for my stubbornness and lack of imagination by receiving transmission – becoming a teacher.
After attending every Sunday and then some other mornings and evenings for a short while, I moved to the Monastery where I practiced and did koan study with the acting teacher John Daido Loori and the abbot Maezumi Roshi. We were still a small group but growing and most everyone was hell bent on enlightenment which loomed before us in the form of a koan : Mu. After that there were about six hundred other koans in case everything wasn’t clear yet. After some time of struggle, many of us passed Mu and a number of other koans as well. Passing Mu is referred to as Kensho – seeing the true nature and it was an incredible experience and revelation but it certainly did not solve everything as we had all desperately hoped.
A certain question began to arise with increasing frequency. There were a number of iterations but they all evolved from a basic formulation and some disappointment. The question was “what good is all this?” or “How do I apply this to my daily life?” The question also had more discrete forms: “How do I apply this koan to my life?” “What good is all this sitting doing me?”
Later on other questions arose. An important one was “if these people have been training for so long why are they so unkind, self-centered while at the same time spouting phrases about unlimited compassion or unexcelled enlightenment.
Yet I knew the practice was true and good so I wrestled with these questions and realized what was there all along. I have decided that what the practice requires from me and perhaps all of us is a certain kind of intelligence and a certain kind of stupidity. With all the openings, realizations and koans, you still have to be smart enough to understand that no person or system can ever create integrity for you. You also have to be dumb enough to ignore the admonitions of mothers all over the world and go to the monastery or wherever your heart calls no matter how cold it is and how improperly you are dressed for it.
photo credit: Photo Extremist
This was a really great post. I especially love the advice not to listen to your mother
Thankyou this really made me smile:)
Like most folk I started my informal practice some 10 years ago; as a yoga student/ teacher and then joining a zen practice. I’ve come to see that the thread that held it all together was my ‘stupidity’! its as if even after an Insight had occurred ( or what’s referred to as a ‘breakthrough’ ), I knew and know its only a matter of time before I re-engage with some intense sitting, study or looking to re-answer those big questions such as ,‘Now I have had this realisation, How do I Live my life?”, and there the mistakes begin!
I always end up getting back on the bus marked ‘spiritual path’….. sometimes I wish I could just say ‘f*ck it!’ and walk right on past the bus stop.
loving regards,
Tulie M Smith.
@Thanks Julie yes I think sometimes mothers as wonderful as they can be can cramp your style. I’m glad you agree
@Tulie I don’t think we have heard from you before? I really appreciate what you are saying. For me practice has to be really life engaging and adventurous I guess.
Lets hear it for the bus stop and I think you are talking about freedom.
Anyway thank you and by the way you misspelled fuck:)
! thanks Doen Sensei; ‘a polite f*ck’ ; i guess its my english upbringing:)
i have been in touch with you, but this is the first time i’ve joined the Blog/ so many thanks for the opportunity. I sit when i can with Dave in Liverpool. I have tuned in to your teaching when you were at Kanzeon Utah, few years ago now; I really appreciate all that you do; for better or for worse, it inspires me to make my way to the bus stop! Deep bows..
T x
@ Tulie Oh yes you. You expressed some interest is me and Lost Coin. Did you speak to Patrizia? If you like please email me again.
Liked this one – it keeps coming back to discipline (and Liz shared a great article by Charlotte Bell on the same topic this week), and what you are also saying seems to be about faith. having faith in what you’re doing, even if you don’t “get it.” Which of course, we don’t always want to “get it” and we want to be lazy. Thanks for the gentle reminder (kick in the butt).
@Diane and Scott
Its nice to get your input. I’m glad it spoke to you and I think the insight about faith in what you are doing is a very good one. Yes I do mean that.
I would call it commitment faith and drive – and that is faith in and commitment to oneself. Then drive is natural.
Thank you.
Nicely put. Thank you.
@Bart
Thank you Bart.
My growth is most often in getting out of my head and the figuring out space. This of course is the most difficult for me. Koan study helps me get there and that is when I feel most connected to Shin. Thank you for your continued guidance.
@Elena
And thank you for your understanding and continued support