Notes, Salt Lake Lost Coin Zen, March 29th, 2011 Doen would like us all to work on leadership. Some are in leadership positions at work, others by nature of their day to day lives like being a mom. Leadership can take place anywhere, anytime. The 8 Fold Path is about non-violence. It encourages us to do all things non-violently. It encourages us to find ways to get people to do things without manipulation or force. Doen used to think leadership meant telling people what to do by confronting people. Some people are afraid to confront people but they still have negative and angry thoughts. Some people surround themselves by people who will confront others for them. This does not usually work. The best way to be a leader is to be likable and honest. This will not work if your niceness is insincere. Honesty will work if you are sincere. This is where the 8 Fold Path will take us. Not many people can do this but if you can it is powerful and it will change your life. Doen recently watched a movie about Phil Ochs who was a folk singer. He said “a protest should turn people on, not turn them off”. This was Doen’s experience in the 60’s, the protests he saw turned him off. The only reason people are able to manipulate and control others is because they are convinced they are right. The 8 Fold Path does not talk about being right. Doen asks us to practice not being right for an entire day this week. If you want something try being nice, kind, and direct. See how much further being kind will get you. If people do not do what you want, deal with it in a direct kind way then leave it alone. In Taoism they call this ‘Wu Wei” or Doing Nothing. Doen asked us to break into small groups to talk about how being right works in our lives. QUESTIONS FROM STUDENTS: One student asked about a poor interaction with a business. Doen reminded us that this principal applies to personal relationships. One student asked about difficulties with husband’s x-wife who is also the mother of her step children. Student said the relationship is caught in right/wrong stances. D recommended writing a hand written letter, not an email, that is non-confrontational. It is possible there is nowhere to go w this relationship. Doen reminded us things can break and they can break quickly. We cannot fix everything. Another student asked about a friend who is blaming her, taking the pain surrounding her divorce out on this student by being mean and vindictive. The student indicated she is ruminating on the relationship; it is keeping her up at night. She cannot turn off her thoughts. Doen recommended not judging yourself. If you are in pain, allow yourself to feel pain – with resistance comes pain. D recommended a face to face discussion where student discusses how she is feeling and then talks about next steps w the friend. D reminded us again that sometimes the tide goes out and it is too late. If you are irritated with your partner and don’t say anything for 6 months, it is very hard to fix this. But if you bring up your irritation in a direct nice way within the first week, it is easier to address. D reminded us that people are difficult. He went on a vacation with his family to Mexico. They rented a house and the owner of the house picked them up at the airport. The owner was not a nice person. While at the house D made a point of being nice. When the owner took D and his family to the airport, everyone agreed the owner was nicer. People have a range on the asshole meter …what you see depends on how you interact with them. You can see their best side or their worst side. If you are nice, you feed their best behaviors. Bad things do happen to very good people. Look at your interactions this week – see how being nice can change things. Instructions for this week: · Don’t be right · Don’t try to get others to do what you want in any way except being nice · Be honest · Be straight forward · Abandon all other strategies · Be nice Student said she was always looking for others approval and has not pay attention to what she wanted/wants. D asked student to do what she wants in a loving way. Student does not know what she wants because she has never paid attention to what she wanted before. D said she did what she wanted within the limitations of her own thoughts; she tried to get others on board without being upfront. D asked her to be nice, to do what she wants in a nice way; work together.