Lost Coin Class Notes Salt Lake City, Utah Tuesday, May 31, 2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The structure of the fees for the retreat -- we should be open -- for 5 days you are paying them $500. Lost Coin does not make any money on the housing and food. At some point, we have to pay a deposit, which is why we ask for money up front. We also need a headcount, though. It’s *possible* to pay after the 31st, but it’s better if we pay now. Rebecca is the person to talk to if someone just wants to be there for the weekend, etc. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wanted to talk about something that my teachers always talked about -- sometimes ad nauseam. The original Buddha was a person just like us. He happened to be a problem solver. When he saw sickness and death, he wanted to know if anything could be done about that. He said that there is a cause of suffering -- called "dukkha" -- which literally means a stuck wheel. So, in modern terms, I’d use the word "stuck". What does stuck mean? All of us are stuck in some way. When we are stuck, we’re doing the same thing over and over again and it’s not coming out any differently. We continue to do that same thing over and over for different reasons. Sometimes we do it because we believe that if we do it over and over *harder*, then it will work. But mostly it’s because we’re "right". If we could not be so "right", then our problems would diminish. There’s no such thing as winning the "right" argument. If you continue to focus on being right, it won’t work. If you walked out of here and never tried to prove yourself right again, then your relationships would be better. Think about how warfare (or business) is done. "Right" has nothing to do with it. Think of how many times God is used to prove "rightness". In warfare, raping and murdering result from being "right". The other thing that keeps us stuck is believing in something that is unprovable. When we’re stuck, we’re often stuck for decades. It’s not just for a day or week. When we practice to see the depths of our being – the infinite in our being. How are *you* stuck? How do you keep on acting the same way with people and getting the same results? Are you "right"? What if you just stop being right and start being nice? For those of you who have the most trouble with that, it’s because you are afraid. So what is really being nice? It’s a practice. As someone in the church said to me, the practice is not to (pretend to be) Jesus Christ, but to practice *being* Jesus Christ. Being stuck can go back a long way. People have justifications for being stuck. I have friend who come from a similar ethnic background -- Jewish, family in concentration camps -- he’s a smart guy -- head of pediatrics at Tufts. His life is completely messed up. He feels that our shared background is what binds us. But he is stuck on the holocaust and I left that behind me. When you sit, what are you doing? You’re letting go of thought. Thought reinforces the stuck pattern. When you are not sitting well, you would not wish your thoughts on your worst enemy. The only thing that keeps us tied is our own minds. It’s the wall, the wall that keeps us separate from each other. If you can practice and let go of the wall, then there will actually be people in your space. A scary thought. Once you get over that fear, you’re not separated. Another thing about being right and how to get away from it: We think our stuckness is good territory, because we’re familiar with it. Story: Student G is *so* German. We were out to dinner with some folks and they asked: "What does it feel like to be German for so many generations?" Student G said that she doesn’t know anything else. We don’t see where we’re stuck. It’s so beautiful to be unstuck. Caryn has helped me with being unstuck. I remember when we were leaving upstate NY. We were going to go someplace where there were no seasons. DS: "I’m going to miss the greenery." Caryn: "You just did that. Do you have to do it forever?" We *love* our stuckness, but it’s not about love. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student: Do you *ever* get unstuck? DS: When Genpo got sick and I was running the whole center, teaching, CEO, etc. One day, I walked in and I said to myself: you’re going to stop being irritated and pissed off at people. One day I saw that what I was doing was not working and wasn’t going to work. I saw that I was stuck. So, I said that I was going to become more patient and it’s changed my life completely. Suppose you’re been angry with your parents for a while, and then they die. Afterwards, you see that more clearly. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student: You make me think of my dad who was always right and had advice. How he said it made a difference. He was angry a lot. DS: When I was CEO of Zen Mountain Monastery, we were hurting financially. So, I talked to Daido Roshi: DS: We need money. DR: We are *not* renting out this place for the weekends. DS: We need to. DR: OK, but I’m leaving. So, a Jewish group rented the place and DS had to stay with them. They drove up the mountain in a car and it tipped. Every guy knew *exactly* what to do about the car. DS said: "This is my monastery and I’ll decide what works." The same thing applies when folks are watching you work on your computer. They are all experts. Same thing as with the car. If you want to know the meaning of life, just go out ask the first middle-aged man that you see. He will know. If you find a man who does not know, marry him. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student: what’s the difference being "stuck" and "right"? DS: At that point (car story), I didn’t feel that I was right. I was saying that it was my responsibility. Being right is an itch in your head to explain to others why they are wrong and you are right. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student: I struggle with the duality of "rightness" in professional life. DS: We’re not talking about that sort of stuff. It’s when you "know" you’re right...that you’re ALWAYS right. Blaming others is a sign that you’re stuck in being right. It’s more of an "I’m right" based upon nothing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student: I was stuck in something this past week and I don’t even know what it was. I was over-indulging myself. I was wanting quick measures of feeling better. I felt like I wasn’t taking care of myself. So, DS said "Lose 3 pounds." So I started doing that. I think that this (unhappiness) resulted from working so hard. DS: My teachers made me do things. After a time, I realized that if *they* could get me to do things, then *I* could do the same thing. Just let go of your thoughts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student L: I got mad because my kids were not wearing helmets while riding bicycles. And *I* was the one who lost out, because they had fun and I didn’t. DS: Caryn worked with abused children for years. For Student L to adopt a child is such an altruistic, wonderful thing. Men have dual nature. They’re like dogs when you’re around, but cats when you leave. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student: Student L was right in wanting her family to wear helmets. DS: To try and control people is not right. Isn’t that what fascism/fundamentalism is all about? Let’s suppose that Student L was right, because she was reducing the chance of brain injury. How are you going to do that? If you’re doing it because you’re angry, then that’s being right. If out of love, then you need to find a more skillful way. If you’re "right', then you owe it to others to express it in a gentle way. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student: I was raised in a family where my dad was always right, so I’ve gotten good at being right. So, when my spouse is having work issues, I have ideas to help. It drives me crazy when my spouse doesn’t follow my advice. When I ask how it went, I can feel good when it works out. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DS: Being right is a state of mind. It is a way of feeling, not thinking. It’s usually angry or irritated. It’s the opposite of being loving, or kind, or without thought, or sensitive, or being inclusive. Caryn tends to not wear a seat belt and I want her to. But if the reason that I want her to is to control her, then that’s wrong. If it’s because of my fear, then she’ll do it right away. Those of you who have taken the precepts have taken a vow not to do these things. Take being "stuck" as being "not free". Work on setting yourselves free from patterns that you’ve been in for a long time. Open yourself to new things. If you let it, life will soften you. I had a nice father. When Alex was 11, he was getting into being a teenager. I was not dealing with it well. One day my father came over -- he was very European -- his English and grammar were not very good. But he was all heart. I remember -- he went over to Alex -- and he said "Let’s go down to the corner store and I’ll buy you a candy bar." Alex put his hand in my father’s hand and went down to the corner store -- happy as a lark. What is in your heart is more important that what we figure out.