Lost Coin Class Notes Salt Lake City Tuesday, June 7, 2011 ================================================================= DS: I did not particularly think of a topic today. I think that it would be nice for you to suggest a topic. I'll ask for questions. Student: It's interesting that you referenced Richard Feynmann, since I'm reading one of his books. DS: That's good. RF was seeking truth. ================================================================= Student: Our topic last week on getting stuck. We didn't get through everyone. Can we continue today? DS: After we talk, sit for 15 minutes. Then, in the group, talk about things that we really fear. Not necessarily external fear like snakes. Fear usually keeps you stuck. Habit, too. But usually fear is what will challenge you. ================================================================= DS: A good way to look at this is that we're always stuck. In some ways, we can be stuck for 30 years. My boyhood friend, Murray and I shared a common experience in that our families were affected by the Holocaust. For him, the Holocaust is the real thing of his living existence. “Murray, that was over half a century ago!" He doesn't want to let it go. It makes him miserable. He's been stuck for 50 years. I saw what it did to my parents, and I didn't want it to happen to me. I wanted to be free. Murray doesn't *want* to be unstuck. He's an intelligent guy and will never get out of it. Maybe *you* think that you are not liked, or unattractive. (You think): "I'm sick", I'm stupid, I'm lazy". But we don't question if it's true. The first thing about being stuck is to recognize that you *are* stuck. From my point of view....I was talking with Student G...we were talking about koans...instead of students asking me when they don't understand, they just move on (because they are embarrassed). But I know *exactly* where everyone is (with their koans). From watching people for year, I could tell every one of you where you are stuck. I don't like to do that directly, so I don't like to do that. But *you* can do that, which is better. Every time that you say "I can't...I shouldn't...I wouldn't" -- you are circling around where you are stuck. ================================================================= Student: The way that I've been stuck lately is with how my spouse disciplines our kids. I think I'm protecting them. I step in ....we argue...it's hard for me. I need to learn to shut up. My next 30 day project is to not correct him. When my spouse disciplines our kids at dinner, it reminds me of how my father acted, e.g., making eating a battle. Maybe I need to discuss with him in private. He likes it when I go to class, because he says that he can just make ravioli, which is easy. Now that he's home more, we have to find another balancing point. It's hard for me, because he's a lawyer and all about words, and I have a hard time articulating. I tried to bring him into my last therapy session with the kids, but it was kind of embarrassing. ================================================================= Student: Something Student J said about her kayaking trip, and how it was difficult, but she dug in: It's something I've been struggling with and it was nice to hear. I beat myself up (and others) when I can't keep up (physically). My ex was very physical, and he dealt with the marriage stress by being active. I'd ask him to slow down, so that I could keep up, but he wouldn't. ================================================================= Student: The last time I talked about being right. Fears? I think that I'm afraid of disappointing people. That goes right with wanting people to like me...which leads to being a chameleon at work...trying to make people happy. Fear of being left out? ================================================================= Student: My sprinkler system is out, so I have to have someone come in to fix it. I'm afraid that they will take advantage of me. So what? So what if it costs more? Why don't I trust them? What's the worst that could happen? ================================================================= Student: I have a fear of talking money with my significant other. He's good with money. I don't have very much saved up. I have a hard time talking with him about money. If we get married, or live together, then we need to talk about it. I'm stuck in my embarrassment about not having more money. He wanted to know, if we get married, what percentage of time that we'll spend together. He wants a specific number. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of someone looking at everything I do, questioning my spending time with my friends. ================================================================= Student: My problem is that I've thought that I'm not good enough to have what I want. There's a discontentedness about wanting and what I have. It's sad that I have to work at appreciating my life. That message came up for me. So, I'm starting to be more appreciative. ================================================================= Student: I'm stuck on self-criticism and self-judgment. I criticize myself for not doing the "should be done"s. When I get in that loop...I finally said "you can relax, you can sit down and read a book". My fear is related to that in that I fear not having money as I live longer. I don't know how to search for a job. I don't know how to search for a job online. I'm afraid of the interviewing process. My previous employers knew me, so I didn't have to do that. My huge fear is of computers.