Lost Coin Class Notes Salt Lake City Tuesday, July 5, 2011 ================================================================= DS: We found this place in San Francisco we think we'd like to buy. It has office space, zendo space, and living space for a couple of people. We will be working with a real estate agent. Arlene will help with tax-free contributions. If you look at my last blog post, it's about performance and self-scrutiny. When you're looking deeply into your nature, you're trying to let go of your thoughts; the thoughts that block you from seeing the depth and infinity of your nature. At the same, time, it's the same thing in daily life. The same thoughts keep you from being committed. Nowadays, anyone who is a serious athlete or artist is committed. What I asked you to look at in the post is how you are doing things. When we sit sometimes, we self-observe. Typically when sitting, thoughts arise and we drop them. After we get offline with this Skype session, I want you all to sit and, when thoughts come up, don't drop them. Look at them. This is a way of experiencing yourself. It's kind of like looking at a house we're in. What is holding you back from keeping you from getting what you want? What are the boundaries? The barriers of everyday life are the same as the barriers to understanding your depths. In the 12th century in Kamakura, the idea of the Way became predominant, through painting, martial arts, and business. Are you really practicing through that (i.e., your barriers)? The answer is probably "Yes" *and* "No". What are your barriers? What stops you? Don't make believe you know. Your criticisms are more valuable than your avoidances. It's like when I was doing martial arts, there'd always be this guy kicking a bag very hard. But he always kicked with one foot, which made him have half the ability that he should have had. The point is "really". Where are we REALLY stuck? What can we REALLY let go of? With anything you do, there are levels that you can do it at. Where are you in your everyday life? Japanese call it "Genjo Koan". There is the depth of our practice which is "What is the meaning of life and death?" Until your practice can accept death, you cannot be at ease. ================================================================= Student: It seems like there are so many levels of depth. The commitment can go deeper and deeper. That's what I'm trying to do -- drop into a deeper level of commitment. DS: Every moment is an opportunity to see if that is true. Even when I show people how to enter daisan, how to bow…some folks have problems. Those are the folks that have problem with other things in their life. The opportunity is always there and it is up to us. I was talking with the SF group. What I was stressing was that people always look for _information_, but I've never seen anyone who did not succeed that did not succeed for _emotional_ reasons. Those that can face their fears will get where they want to go. ================================================================= Student: A question regarding self scrutiny: I'm always working on my posture, yoga, exercise. In the many pictures that I took on my recent vacation, I've noticed there were two pictures with me in bad posture, so I deleted them. I was hunched over. DS: People don't get what they want because they quit. Have you made the effort? Maybe you have to try harder. Try to enjoy the process of getting there. What will make you happy and free is you. One day you'll look in the mirror and say, "I look good". It will because you have developed intentionality. ================================================================= Student: I have posture problems, too. Recently, I took a trip and saw the pictures of me and I saw my bad posture. What I said was, "That's a gift". Cameras don't lie. That helped me to pay even more attention. DS: When I was studying Kung Fu, the teacher would video us doing forms, breaking, and fighting. I said, "Wow I look like such a dork!" And he said, "You think you look bad. Let me show you the pictures from the year before." And I looked much better now. The effort is as important as getting there. The process is important. Do you remember the Gurdjieff story about mowing the lawn? Gurdjieff (speaking to Fritz, a 12-year old boy): I want you to mow the lawn Fritz: OK Gurdjieff: I don't think that you understand. I want you to mow if it's raining, if I'm dying, etc. Whatever happens, mow. Fritz finally understood. Gurdjieff finally *did* start dying and Fritz mowed underneath his window even though folks in the Gurdjieff group said not to do it. Gurdjieff looked out and said "Good" to Fritz. It takes time. I did year after year in a monastery. I have to figure out how to train you that way without us being in a monastery. Please put yourself into it and do your best. ************************************************************************************************ *** After the talk by Doen Sensei ended and the group sat for a while….. ************************************************************************************************ Student: Thoughts and thoughts came up. In particular, "to do's". I sat a lot over the weekend and since then there's been this "floaty" feeling. And thoughts are like hyenas on the horizon which I can shoo away. ================================================================= Student: I had lots of thoughts, such as the "to do" list. I started being bummed that they found a place in San Francisco -- which is selfish -- because it means that Doen Sensei in San Francisco is permanent. ================================================================= Student: I've been really angry lately. I don't know why. Years ago, I worked at a company where my office mate and I would complain angrily about the company. We became known for being complainers. Folks would come by our office to mention something and set us off. One day I said to my office mate, "This is getting us nowhere and we are getting a bad reputation. So, let's do this: Let's have an attitude adjustment and totally reverse our attitudes. Anything that the company does (no matter how personally detrimental) is *good*. If it's good for the company, it's good for us." We had a whiteboard that generally went unused. We erased it and started calling it out Attitude Adjustment Board. On a daily basis, we would come up with the most nauseatingly saccharine things to say about the company. Folks came into our office and would try to bait us. We would react with poker faces and say that it was all good (no matter how potentially bad for employees). They said, "Who are you and what have you done with Shep and Jeff?" They would read the motto on our Attitude Adjustment Board and would say, "You don't actually believe this stuff, do you?" We would never admit to anything other than total love for the company and absolute belief in the whiteboard platitudes. Over time, it became a hit with the fellow employees and it became a competition to come up with more saccharine platitudes. I'm not sure that management saw the humor, but they tolerated us and they could hardly censure us for saying good things about the company. The Attitude Adjustment Board totally changed our lives. We became much happier. Nowadays, with my recent anger, I've been trying to have fun in similar ways. For example, I get emails from job recruiters who insist that am the ideal candidate for jobs that in no way match my qualifications. It makes me angry that this recruiter is making no effort to match my qualifications to the job at hand and is instead relying up me to do that work. Apparently, their method for matching is to see whether words like "the" and "and" appear on both my resume and the job qualifications. There's a LOT of this going on nowadays. My initial reaction is to respond with, "What kind of dumbshit are you?" However, I've started looking at this as an opportunity for attitude adjustment, so I reply with a stock letter: --------------------------------------------- Wow! This sounds great! Before I was arrested, I was making over $200,000 per year. That would be my lowest starting point and I should probably make much more. Would they expect me to work every day? My priorities are to get paid as much as possible for doing as little as possible. Salary is very important, my gambling debts are rising. How soon does this job have to start? I will be out of prison in six months and will be looking for something to do. Would using drugs hurt my chances of getting this job? To what extent are criminal background checks searched? Do I get a company car? --------------------------------------------- Unfortunately, I haven't been getting any feedback, so this has not been as much fun as I would have liked. But here's what occurred to me in sitting just now: I am congratulating myself in being "clever". My responses are just being smart ass. What I need to do is to not be angry. Not to strike back with ill-disguised contempt framed in a pseudo-humorous response. Why am I angry lately? Probably because I'm being "right". Of course, I *am* right, but I need to not be so "right" about being right. Not to cling to rightness even when I *am* "right". ================================================================= Student: My thoughts were about doing and planning. When I go to San Francisco, I can stay there for free in the new building, but parking is bad. It's about making things happen rather than letting things happen. When I have spare time, it's not happy not to have it filled. ================================================================= Student: I was thinking about breathing. I fall asleep. If I sit too long, I fall asleep. I don't even realize it. I can't remember what was thinking about when I was sitting, but it was the monkey mind. I feel asleep and can't remember. ================================================================= Student: I've been sitting with my nausea. It's more fun to let to than to hold on to nausea. ================================================================= Student: I just got back from travel. I returned somewhat earlier than expected and I have some free time for a while, but I am still thinking about where to go next. My 30-day goal is to sit more (since I have some time). I was thinking about my brother-in-law. He's a bastard. My oldest daughter was playing with their daughter. (Jumping on the bed?) She pulled her cousin up on the bed and dislocated her elbow. So, my brother-in-law became angry and he and his family left 3 days earlier than expected. ================================================================= Student: I thought about things that irritate me. I woke up this morning and got irritated at cantaloupe peels and cleaning up the kitchen after my son and his friends. And I'm irritated with my business partner. So what I thought about was irritating things, interspersed with my lists. ================================================================= Student: This is a combo of what other students have said: a lot of anger and frustration at work. Things come back to work for me. It's my struggle in life -- to separate work from the rest of my life. In order to escape from work, I have to completely immerse myself in something else. That's the only way that I can escape.